Relationships, at their best, are sources of genuine love and fulfillment. Your partner is likely (hopefully) your main source of comfort, the person who makes you laugh, and the closest friend you’ve ever had. However, your partner is human; if you need a reminder, you are too. Humans are blessed with imperfection, so rest assured, we find ourselves in imperfect relationships. While your partner might be your best friend, they might also be why you get the occasional, unpreventable urge to scream… at least every once in a while.
As humans navigate human relationships, things get tricky. Remember, even though no relationship is perfect, it should be healthy.
Maintaining a healthy relationship requires sincere effort and honest communication. Before you roll your eyes and think “easier said than done”, we have a way to make effort and honesty easier done than ever: Professional help! While all relationships require communication and trust, some require couples counseling to get there. There are numerous approaches to couples therapy, and the Spokane Counseling Hub is here to help you find the best fit. But how do you know when it’s time to seek help? Here are 8 signs that you and your partner might benefit from investing some time in couples counseling:
1. Communication: Is it Breaking Down?
If things between you and your partner get lost in translation, there is not much you can do to further your connection, at least not easily. Effective communication is the cornerstone of any healthy relationship! When conversations quickly become heated arguments or silence becomes deafening when there is a misunderstanding, you might need some help expressing yourself. Common signs of communication breakdown include:
- Frequent Misunderstandings: If you feel misunderstood or unable to understand your partner.
- This is what we mean by “getting lost in translation”. It might feel like the two of you aren’t even speaking the same language anymore.
- Negative Communication: When interactions are filled with criticism, contempt, or defensiveness.
- This looks different for everyone, but it might be a constant flow of passive-aggressive comments, inattentive body language, or simply a default to a whirling storm of f-bombs when you disagree.
- Avoidance: Choosing not to discuss important issues to avoid conflict.
- Ignorance is bliss, right? Well, no. Sorry. Not in your relationship! You’ll likely be able to keep blocking out the noise of a lot that is going on in your life, but as far as confronting issues with your partner, they’re only becoming more overwhelming as they sit in the back corner of your mind.
2. Loss of Emotional Intimacy: Are You Sensing a Lack of Support?
Emotional intimacy is crucial for a strong connection with your partner. Both physical and emotional intimacy play a huge role in the health of your relationship. That being said, if you feel emotionally distant from your partner, everything will be impacted, including your physical connection, the trust you put in your partner, and the way the two of you navigate disagreements. Signs of emotional disconnection include:
- Feeling Lonely: Experiencing loneliness even when your partner is present.
- Loneliness is one of the hardest things humans can endure, especially considering that we are all social creatures. What makes this feeling even more confusing is when your are experiencing it in the presence of your partner. When there is a lack of emotional connection, you might begin to feel alone even when your partner is seated right next to you.
- Lack of Emotional Support: Not feeling supported or valued by your partner.
- Emotional support is imperative for a strong connection, and not only when things are tough. While negative emotions like sadness and anger might require some support from a loved one, it is crucial to feel supported even when things are going well. Having both a shoulder to lean on in times of struggle and a smiling face next to you when it’s time to celebrate is all part of the emotional support you and your partner deserve.
- Decreased Affection: A noticeable decline in expressions of love and affection.
- Life gets busy! There are times when you and your loved one may have more time to invest in one another than others. While work, kids, and a shifting schedule might all be realities for you, the affection you and your partner demonstrate to one another should always be a priority. If you lose your passion for showing one another you care, your relationship will not feel healthy and it is probably a good time to consider couples counseling.
3. Persistent Conflict: A Never-Ending Cycle
Every couple has disagreements, but constant, unresolved conflict can be damaging. Extremely damaging. If arguments are frequent and you can’t seem to find common ground, couples counseling may help. Key indicators of this might include:
- Recurrent Arguments: Having the same fights over and over without resolution.
- Who’s doing the dishes? Is your room constantly a mess? It’s the little things than can really start to grind your gears. Let’s be honest- there’s a lot that couples disagree on. If you find yourselves in a constant cycle of shuffling through the same arguments, things get exhausting really quickly. Knowing what is worth investing your time in and really working things out is important. If the same petty arguments disrupt your day, it can be really hard to foster a solid connection with your partner.
- Escalation: When disagreements quickly escalate into major conflicts.
- If it’s all about the little things, the arguments can add up quickly. Especially if you and your partner struggle with shoving things under the rug, a huge argument is essentially a ticking time bomb just waiting to happen. These more explosive conflicts are typically not a product of a unsolvable issue, but rather a cummulation of things that could have been brought to the surface sooner. Couples counseling can help you settle these disagreements before they become even more destructive for your relationship.
- Avoiding Conflict: One or both partners avoid conflict altogether, leading to unresolved issues.
- This has a lot to do with communication piece we were discussing- and shoving things under the rug. Sensing a pattern now? This type of coping is something we see in couples counseling all. the. time. Like we said, ignorance is not bliss. That explosive argument we mentioned certainly isn’t a blissful experience. Avoiding conflict might seem like the easiest thing to do, but a therapist can help guide you to a healthier approach.
4. Trust Issues- Sound Familiar?
Trust is fundamental in every relationship, but perhaps especially in romantic ones. When trust is broken, your heart is likely broken too and it can be really challenging to rebuild your relationship without professional guidance. If you struggle with trusting your partner or you feel your partner isn’t trusting you, it may feel like a dead-end. However, while it takes a genuine effort, your relationship can be rebuilt from the ground up. Here are some things that we see frequently when it comes to couples who struggle with trust.
- Infidelity: One or both partners have been unfaithful.
- Cheating, physically or emotionally, is arguably the most damaging hit your trust in a relationship can take. Not only does it cause you to rethink your partner’s intentions in the past, but those doubts also follow you in the future. If your relationship has been tainted by infedelity, couples counseling is the best place to start when it comes to processing the emotions and lack of trust that you are now confronted with.
- Secrecy: Keeping secrets or feeling the need to constantly check up on your partner.
- Secrecy and infedelity are often interlocked. That being said, even if a past partner was the one to cheat, you may pick up on certain triggers from your current partner, due to trauma and a persistent lack of trust. Your partner should be the one you tell your secrets to, not the one you withhold them from. If you or your partner feel as though things are not open and honest, there will automatically be a wall that
- Jealousy: Persistent feelings of jealousy or insecurity.
- The big green monster- jealousy. It’ll eat away at your every thought if you let it. Personally, this will impact the way you perceive yourself but it will also manifest as insecurities in your relationship. This aligns with trust because if you feel secure and trusting in your relationship and your partner, you are likely not going to envy anyone else your partner spends time with or talks about. Jealousy is more of an emotion than anything, and it is unfortunately common and natural. That being said, it can be completely distracting, overwhelming, and damaging to your connection with your partner. The first step is recognizing it. The second step should be seeing a therapist who can help you work through it.
5. Changes in Sexual Intimacy- It’s Not Very Sexy
A healthy sexual relationship is often a reflection of overall relationship health. It should be fun! More than anything though, it should be another way you and your partner connect and invest time in one another. Changes or dissatisfaction in your sex life can signal deeper issues, so this might be a telling sign that couples counseling can help!
- Lack of Intimacy: A significant decrease in sexual activity.
- Ok, so you and your partner are past the honeymoon phase. Just because your relationship is no longer “new”, it can still be exciting. While we’ve already mentioned that some days you might have more time to show affection, a complete lack of intimacy will likely not make you feel the best about your relationship. Even though every couple is different, if you feel your relationship is lacking intimacy, it is important that is communicated to your partner, which can be a tough conversation to navigate. A therapist is here to help.
- Dissatisfaction: One or both partners are unhappy with their sex life.
- While you might be receiving some form of intimacy from your parter, maybe it is not right for you. That can sometimes be an even harder conversation to have, but you deserve to be treated in a way that pleases you, and your partner should want that for you too! If you are feeling dissatisfied with your sex life, there are numerous ways to explore how to get the chemistry going again, and not all of them involve being physical in the bedroom.
- Avoidance: Avoiding sexual contact altogether.
- Sometimes, if you are dissatisfied by your sex life, you soon find yourself avoiding it all together. While there are many things that can get in the way of you and your partner’s connection, a completely nonexistent intimate routine can be the root of a lot of the dissatisfaction in any relationship. Intentional intimacy makes you feel loved and valued, so if your relationship is lacking it completely, you and your partner could definitely benefit from couples counseling.
6. Life Transitions: Change is Hard, But Not Impossible
Major life changes can put a strain on any relationship, simply because they put a strain on our lives and our routines. Whether it’s a new job, a move, or the exciting birth of a child, counseling can help couples navigate these transitions in a manner that is healthy. Either way, change can be hard to adjust to, but it does not have to be impossible or the reason you break up. Here are some common ways these transitions can impact your relationship:
- Increased Stress: Life changes are causing significant stress and affecting your relationship.
- You are a better partner when you are stress free! Stress makes you quicker to anger and far less patient. That being said, life is all about stress. It’s actually what keeps us motivated. Especially when it comes to life changes, primarily those that are unexpected, our stress levels really increase which can cause you to invest less time in your relationship, as your mind is so busy focusing on something else. Being able to get through stress while making your partner feeling valued is something couples counseling can really help with.
- Disagreements: You can’t agree on how to handle the transition.
- With change also comes big decisions. You and your partner may not see eye to eye when it comes to how to navigate transitions and sometimes there is really no right way to approach it. However, you each have a preference that is valid and should be valued, despite the route you end up taking. If communication and avoidance are already issues, it can be really hard to work through these times.
- Drifting Apart: You feel like you’re growing apart due to the changes.
- Anything that causes a disagreement between you and your partner can quickly create space, especially if you are not confronting the issue. While change is already stressful to navigate, it can be even more challenging if you feel alone. You and your partner need each other, especially during transitional phases.
7. Financial Issues: They’re a Part of Life
Money is one of the most common sources of conflict in relationships. If financial disagreements are causing stress and tension, it might be time to seek help, as they might also lead to:
- Frequent Fights: Arguments about spending, saving, or financial priorities.
- While there is plenty you and your loved one can argue about, finances are one of the most common issues we see surfacing time and time again in our sessions. Things like gambling or excessive shopping can feel like an unnecessary investment, so discussing the financial patterns of you and your partner can quickly become heated arguments.
- Secrecy: One partner hiding financial information or decisions from the other.
- While secrecy can surface with infidelity, we also see it coming up with financial stress. Anything that isn’t laid out on the table in your relationship can cause trust issues and insecurity.
- Financial Stress: Money problems cause significant stress in the relationship.
- Where there is money there is stress. If money doesn’t stress you out, you’re one of the lucky ones! That being said, even those who live comfortably and even lavishly still find financial stress knocking at their door.
8. Considering Separation? Consider Therapy First!
If you or your partner are contemplating separation or divorce, couples counseling can be a last attempt to repair and strengthen your relationship. Counseling can provide a space to explore these feelings and decide the best course of action.
Recognizing when you need couples counseling is a crucial step toward maintaining a healthy, fulfilling relationship. If you identify with any of the signs mentioned above, consider seeking the help of a professional counselor. Remember, seeking help is a sign of strength, not weakness, and it can pave the way for a stronger, more resilient relationship.