Relationships, whether family, friends, a spouse, or a partner, hit bumps in the road. People argue and miscommunicate, and the relationship can erode when they build up, potentially ending it altogether. It’s unfortunate that relationship counseling and therapy have a stigma attached, treated as a last resort rather than a solution.
Couples counseling, in general, is seen as a last-ditch effort or that one partner is being attacked for their behavior. One belief doesn’t have to be true and the other is blatantly false. These myths aside, it’s one of the primary reasons why people have a hard time convincing their partner to go to couples therapy.
No matter the reason, if you’re worried about how your partner or spouse will take a conversation about relationship therapy or unsure how to approach them, read on and learn some useful tips to convince them.
What Are Some Signs It’s Time To Bring Up Relationship Therapy?
The idea that therapy for couples is only a last resort allows problems to build up, only going when communication is breaking down and fighting is frequent. It’s easier (and usually fewer sessions) to solve a molehill than a mountain. Before feeling disconnected and the relationship is struggling with frequent arguments, it’s important to see a relationship therapist.
Besides arguing and being at the point of separation, there are less extreme signs you should discuss therapy with your partner:
- Emotional Distance/Withdrawal: Disconnecting from your partner can severely damage the relationship. In therapy, you can identify the root causes and gain insight into each other’s experiences that led to the breakdown in connection.
- Lack of Effective Communication: Good communication is a skill and one that isn’t readily taught. It is also one of the most crucial elements for a long-term relationship. Poor communication patterns create misunderstandings that turn into resentment, leading to other behaviors that can mean turning to a therapist as a last resort. If you or your partner frequently misunderstand each other, it’s a good idea to attend therapy before that point and learn to communicate effectively.
- Loss of Physical Intimacy: Sexual intimacy is a key part of many romantic relationships and often fades when there are other problems, in turn causing other issues. Frustration, loneliness, and tension can all stem from a lack of sex, which is itself a symptom.
- Major Life Events: Life transitions like becoming a parent, moving, losing a job, or death can put great strain on a relationship. Whether these events immediately preceded problems in your relationship or issues haven’t occurred yet, couples therapy can help both of you navigate these events in a positive and healthy way.
Events like an affair or being at the point of separation are good times to discuss therapy with your spouse or partner but don’t fall for the myth that these are the only times to bring up the conversation. The reasons above, no matter where they stem from, are reason enough. Even if the reason you want to attend therapy with your partner isn’t listed above, that doesn’t mean it is invalid. If you think your relationship could benefit from a therapist, that is reason enough.
How to Convince Your Partner: Tips to Get Them to Agree to Couples Therapy
Share the Benefits of Counseling & Therapy
If your partner is hesitant to attend therapy with you, share some of the benefits of going with them. Remember, do this calmly and without attacking or directing it towards anything specific:
- It’s not just about solving problems: A lot of couples therapy is learning techniques and skills to communicate better, develop greater empathy, and navigate an argument in a healthier way.
- More common than you think: 71% of couples with experience in therapy recommend it to others. In fact, pre-marital and couples counseling has become much more common before getting married. It’s easy to mistake privacy for nonexistence.
- A neutral person: Friends and family often take sides, more so out of loyalty and love for the person than anything. Having a therapist is having a neutral third party hear both people without judgment and offer an impartial perspective to both.
- Deepen intimacy and connection: One of the biggest benefits of therapy for a couple is rekindling that spark. Therapy can help get that connection back and restore not only the physical side but the emotional rapport too.
Be Prepared to Hear Justifications a Therapist Isn’t Needed
It has been mentioned a few times, but counseling is often seen as a last resort or an attempt to place blame on the other person. From that, there are a few common excuses someone will use to explain why relationship therapy isn’t needed:
- Our problems aren’t that bad: A problem is a problem is a problem. If you haven’t worked it out, it has been growing, or is leading to resentment then therapy can help.
- It’s a waste of money: Your relationship is worth any cent and you can better convince them by showing your insurance covers it or already having a list of some within your financial limits. This is a much better way to convince them instead of arguing over money or accusing them they don’t value the relationship. Remember, honey, not vinegar.
- How can someone else tell us what to do: A therapist doesn’t tell you what to do, they listen and offer techniques to get where you want to be. A therapist doesn’t lead you to where they think they should be, it’s a judgment-free zone.
- I don’t want to be blamed: Therapy isn’t about placing the blame and a therapist doesn’t take sides. Ensure your partner knows that there is no blame to place, it’s getting help for both of you.
Approach At The Right Time
An argument or while you’re heated is not the time to bring up couples therapy. You want to approach your partner when things are calm, with empathy, and from the perspective that you both love each other and want the relationship to get better for both of you.
Take Ownership: Avoid the Blame Game
This is the most important move to make! Many people fear relationship therapy because they think it’ll be a gang up on them, that it means they are the issue and cause of the problems. It’s important to avoid using statements like “you could” or “it will help you with” and using the word “you” in general when bringing up couples counseling.
It takes two people to form a relationship, and two people build bumps in it.
When trying to get your partner to attend therapy with you, take ownership of the issues you contribute by replacing “you” with “we.” You should volunteer that you want to learn how to communicate better or want to know how you can do this or that better; they’ll be less combative in the conversation. It’s important not to do this in a sarcastic or placating way. Be honest and vulnerable- these are part of the goals for couples therapy, after all.
Remember, pursuing therapy is for both of you to repair the relationship. It is not a way to underscore that one person is the cause of the breakdown.
Don’t Offer an Ultimatum or Push: Con
Piggybacking off the timing and circumstance, if you’ve made your case for seeing a therapist and your partner is still resistant, then end that conversation there. You can bring it up again, attend yourself, and leave literature out (not in a passive-aggressive way, just don’t hide that you’re going), nor say, “It’s we go or I leave.”
An ultimatum or pushing begins therapy off on the wrong foot. If one person comes in combative, the therapist has to start calming them before getting to why you’re both there.
Relationship Health Resources
One last tip. Therapy can be less scary if you read about it together. It is harder to play the blame game when you want to share something with your spouse or partner, reading it together, and letting them explore these topics on their own. That is partly why we at Spokane Counseling Hub write these articles, to help couples know there are resources for their relationship health.
If your relationship would benefit from couples therapy, we at Spokane Counseling Hub are experienced in all manner of relationships from LGBTQ+ to heterosexual couples and polycules. Don’t let things move forward on a bumpy road without addressing those bumps.
There are resources, how you feel is valid, and there is help for both of you here.