Working through the betrayal of online cheating

The internet has transformed much of our daily lives, from entertainment to work, and has significantly impacted how people form relationships. As with any technology, there are also new opportunities. Relationships are no different. The rise in online dating and connecting with new people over digital platforms has also come with new opportunities for cheating, known as online infidelity or cyber cheating.

What Is Internet Cheating?

Internet cheating is having an affair online or through digital platforms, such as social media, email, games played online, smartphone apps, and a host of other digital mediums. While it’s easy to think that online cheating leads to cheating in real life or having an ongoing affair in the real world, that isn’t always the case.

Even if you discover your partner has never met the person or committed a sexual act in person, that doesn’t mean it hurts any less or cannot be considered an affair. Just as there are many types of relationships romantic partners can have, there are just as many actions someone can view as cheating.

Defining Online Infidelity: Styles of Relationships & Cheating

Before we outline the range of acts people often place under online infidelity, we have to make one distinction clear. Once the affair has moved from the online or digital world into in-person contact, it is no longer online cheating; it is cheating.

There is no clear-cut catch-all that constitutes cheating. Just as there is a wide range of relationship styles, from polyamory to open relationships and monogamy, there are just as many acts that constitute an affair. Keep in mind that we’re only discussing online or digital infidelity here, but these are often the online behaviors that are considered cheating:

• Cybersex: Exchanging explicit video messages, images, audio recordings, and texts with someone outside of the relationship.
• Sexting: Engaging in sexual text messages or emails with someone outside of the relationship.
• Online Dating: Having a profile and/or using that profile while in a relationship with another person.
• Pornography: Watching or viewing explicit images or videos while in a relationship, or sharing it with someone outside of the relationship.
• Online Flirting: No sexual images, videos, or messages exchanged, but insinuations and general flirty behavior with someone outside of the relationship.
• Engaging Camgirls or Camboys: Using online live model services while in a relationship.
  

Your Partner Is Cheating Online

Discovering any type of cheating or affair can be shattering, and severely damaging not only the trust in your partner and the relationship but a person’s self-esteem as well. No matter the type of infidelity online or how it’s defined in a relationship, the emotional impact is no less.

Finding Out About the Affair: Coping With Online Cheating

After finding out your spouse or partner is having a digital affair, it’s natural to feel insecure, scared, shocked, or even vengeful. These are all natural feelings and it’s ok to feel them. It’s important to know that.

Just because your partner has never seen the other person’s face or had any physical contact doesn’t mean it is any less of an affair. Other people may not see it that way, but what is important is that you do. You’re the one in the relationship and the one feeling betrayed, you’re also the one who has to respond to it.

How to Respond to Infidelity

There is a flood of emotions after finding out your spouse or partner is cheating online, and a quick reaction can inflame the situation. It’s easy to respond in the heat of the moment, but it’s also important not to.

After discovering your partner cheating online, here are some healthier responses:

• Speak calmly and communicate honestly: It’s important to approach your partner as calmly as possible. Sometimes waiting after discovering the affair to assess your own feelings and take hold of them. It’s easy to seek comfort elsewhere, online yourself or through other means to cope, but nothing is better than sharing your knowledge and feelings with your partner.
• Talk about how you feel: There is no benefit in holding back or hiding your feelings. Your partner needs to know how their actions have affected you.
• Ask why they cheated: It can be very scary to ask and even scarier imagining what the reason could be. Why they are having an affair online not only stops disaster scenarios in your mind but can also give you clues as to why they are doing it.
• Pause: When having this conversation, if either of you becomes overwhelmed or heated, it is ok and preferable to take a few minutes to find calm.
• You don’t have to make decisions right now: If you aren’t sure how to move forward or what to do, that is ok. You are not obligated to make any decisions right now or solve everything. You can have other conversations and more of them.
  

Help is Here: Counseling for Relationships

Affairs can indicate deeper marital or relationship problems and take their toll on relationships. If you and your partner decide to work through the affair, couples therapy can help. The aim of relationship counseling is to help both people understand why the cheating occurred, resolve underlying issues in the relationship, help improve communication, and restore intimacy and trust.

We at Spokane Counseling Hub are at your side, experienced in a range of relationship types between people of all sexualities and genders. We empower and help people navigate their feelings and relationships post-affair, reaching their goals without judgment.

If you’ve discovered your partner cyber cheating, remember that your feelings are valid and to communicate with them, most importantly- help is here for you both.