Being in a relationship is like an ever-changing dance. Sometimes you’re in perfect rhythm with your partner, doing the same dance, perfectly in sync. But sometimes, and seemingly out of nowhere, the music changes up, and you and your partner are stuck, confused, and out of sync. These switch-ups can happen more often or be extra confusing when your partner is dealing with ADHD. People often ask what it is like to be in a relationship with someone who has ADHD, or both. It can present as your partner not hearing or not remembering things you said or asked of them, your partner being on “overdrive” or unable to sit still, or even being “lazy” and “unmotivated.”
When ADHD behaviors from your partner frustrate you, make you feel unseen, and shift how you see your partner, it may be time to take a step back and look at the whole picture. Better yet, the negative impact of ADHD on you and your relationship is common, yet fixable. Right now, you probably feel like you can’t rely on your partner. They just aren’t there for you and it puts a major strain on your relationship.
Common Symptoms of ADHD in Adults and the impact it has on the relationship:
Distracted: They are easily distracted when you are trying to share something important. You want to be heard, but they quickly jump in and talk about 10 random things off the main topic at hand.
Poor planning: They fill their free time with projects, forget to add things to the family calendar, or over-commit to events, which leave them unavailable for you and the family.
Low tolerance for frustration or distress: They have a knee-jerk reaction, defensive, and are unable to stay present for your emotional experience.
Poor time management skills: They are almost always late to functions, and you’ve learned you have to tell them an earlier time to arrive.
Forgetfulness: The conversation you just had was deleted from their brain. They forget about the agreement you both made, again.
Impulsivity: The quick to react without fully thinking through consequences. They jump without thinking, and then you have to deal with the mess.
Disorganization: You organized the cupboard, and then they destroyed it in just days. The closet is always a mess, no matter how much you ask for help to keep things clean.
Restlessness: They fidget, wiggle, and are always into projects. They simply have a hard time sitting still.
Poor follow-through: They say they are going to handle a task, but often never follow through due to overwhelm or getting lost in the various tasks.
Incomplete Tasks: They start doing laundry, but never finish putting it all away. They start a construction project at the house, but it never gets fully completed.
Do any of these sound familiar? As the non ADHD partner, this can be very frustrating and even begin changing the way you look at your partner. You just can’t seem to count on them. You start to think that you are in the relationship alone and everything is on your shoulders. Sometimes questions can arise, such as: “Do they even care about me?” “Do I have to do everything myself?”, or “Why can’t they just do what I ask?” Many Spokane couples struggle with this and need a change fast.
At Spokane Counseling Hub, we don’t want you to just coexist or live like roommates for the rest of your life. Being in an untreated ADHD relationship, your relationship will most likely be challenging. Now is the time to learn how to know your partner is trying desperately to get it right with you and how to avoid being so forgetful. Trust us, your partner hates the internal struggle they face and has a hard time completing tasks.
When adults are dealing with unmanaged or improperly managed ADHD, their day-to-day lives can be severely impacted. Symptoms can impact careers, personal relationships, home life, social lives, etc. However, not only are there now many ways to effectively treat ADHD symptoms, but there are also ways to treat ADHD in relationships and lessen the impact of the symptoms mentioned above on the overall dynamics of the relationship.
Emily Gilmartin, a Licensed Mental Health Counselor Associate at Spokane Counseling Hub, utilizes Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFCT) to support couples in finding a new dance they both feel safe and comfortable in.
What is EFCT, and how does couples counseling help?
EFCT, also known as Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy or EFT, is an evidence-based practice focused specifically for couples to learn how to stop their negative communication patterns and learn new, effective ways to show up for one another. We get it. You can’t imagine things would improve with your partner struggling with ADHD. If you have found yourself and your partner stuck in a bad cycle of disconnection, resentment building, and suspect ADHD may be playing a role, EFCT could be the support you are seeking.
First, EFCT is a research-based treatment modality that shows long-term change in couples. It is not just a therapist tossing out ideas and seeing if anything will stick. There is a specific roadmap, with steps and stages to create change. The main focus of EFCT is emotion (surprise!) and how couples react to one another. For those dealing with ADHD, emotions can be overwhelming and complex (for both partners in different ways), making it hard to identify or understand what emotions are happening for us. EFCT allows couples to press the pause button, identify the root issues, and learn how to handle conflict differently. A partner with ADHD will learn how to slow down and be less reactive. You will learn how to reach for your partner in a way that gets them close to you.
Get to know our Couples Therapist Emily Gilmartin
Emily Gilmartin, one of our couples counselors here at Spokane Counseling Hub, is active in the counseling session, helping couples get to the root of issues quickly. She is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor Associate and enjoys connecting with her clients and helping them learn how to live with ADHD. She helps both people learn how to address the big challenges, stop the conflict, and connect more intimately (even when ADHD is around).
Are you ready to take the next step?
If you are in Spokane and would like to stop building resentment and frustration in your relationship, reach out to us to schedule a counseling session with Emily Gilmartin. Our clinical admin answers the calls from 10 am to 2 pm Monday through Friday. You can also pick a time and schedule your appointment online without playing phone tag. Relationships are beautiful but complex, and you do not have to figure it all out on your own.